Cats are amazing creatures. I have two in my life: Norie, a black personality-loaded pantherette and Sister, demure, sweet-natured grey tabby feline with white legs.
My two cats are in some ways like having two husbands! They give me affection, share their time with me, make me laugh, make me feel like I am the most important person in their lives. Oh, wait, I am! Well, see what you think?
1. Instead of the warmth of a man beside me at night, I have Norie who curls up behind my bent knees if I am on my side or at my feet if I am on my back. Sister sleeps on a pillow by my head. They usually are in the bed snoozing before I get ready for bed! Norie even snores softly, so I definitely don’t miss a husband’s snoring.
When I can’t sleep after tossing and turning, I go to the kitchen for a bedtime snack. Norie will get up and follow me. If I have had two consecutive failed attempts at sleep, Norie goes elsewhere to sleep until I am actually asleep. Does that sound like a husband?
2. Instead of a husband wanting me to bring him something to eat, I have two cats who team up against me. Sister jumps on the counter in the kitchen and waits. As I lie there asleep Norie, will paw three times on my shoulder or arm. On rare occasions she will poke me with one or two claws but not even puncturing my skin, just making sure the messages are getting through. Her pawing is always done in sets of three.
When I finally do get up, I go into the bathroom while Norie waits patiently for me at the bathroom door. Then she escorts me from the bathroom to the kitchen, just in case I forget where to go or what I am supposed to be doing. A husband would not be worried about my getting lost.
When I get close to the kitchen, Sister starts calling “Meow, Meow!” With insistent urgency that sounds more like, “Now! Now!”
If I have a snack during the day, Norie will make little kitten sounds and snake around my ankles and circle them like a shark to tell me she wants something to eat too.
3. Which brings me to another problem wives often have with their husbands. Norie will eat anything!! Crickets, spiders, silverfish, little bugs, literally anything, well, most husbands don’t eat these kinds of things, but my last husband sure ate a lot. Norie likes to eat so much that she weighs 15 pounds and never barfs up hairballs. The only time she barfs is when she has eaten too much, too fast!
Sister is a finicky eater and nibbles in small amounts. Her weight is normal. I even worry that she is so small compared to Norie. So I have to watch them while they eat to be sure Norie isn’t horning in on Sister’s food, even though she has food left in her own bowl!
If I order Norie to wait, she will politely sit until Sister is finished then go for what’s left. I can’t help but suspect that is one reason she is a bit chubby. So I usually prevent her from that behavior.
Unlike Norie, Sister does cough up hairballs about once a week. Let me tell you there’s nothing like hearing that retching sound at 2 AM to make you spring out of bed to go clean up the mess before it stains your composite wood floors or your carpet! Why do they barf in one place, move away and barf again?
4. Instead of finding the best time to be affectionate with a husband, with the two cats, that matter is also covered. Sister will sleep on my lap as long as I let her; she will walk past my hand repeatedly and effectively pet herself on my hand. She wants me to touch her or pet her, it seems, almost all the time.
Norie on the other hand wants affection when she asks for it. She will jump up on my lap and allow me to pet her but just so long and never on her belly! When I see her tail flashing back and forth and her eyes start tracking my hand, I decide she is telling me to stop, and stop now! (In her defense she is one of those cats who gets over stimulated sometimes.) Sometimes if she doesn’t want me to pet her she will gently but firmly push my hand down. I learned to obey her signal! Some husbands are just not affectionate at all. At least I have a balance between these two.
5. I never had a super-hairy husband but I have heard tales of bathtub or shower drains clogging from women who did. Well, I have one cat with with a thick rich black, coat that never ceases to shed, even after brushing it. So I have black hairs on blankets, couch, in the air and sometimes in food. Sister having white legs, causes a problem when I wear something black. (You’d think I would only pick up Norie when wearing something black and Sister when wearing something white, but it just doesn’t work out that way.)
6. I really don’t have anyone around to argue with or disagree with except these two. They have their own little spats. Norie wants to play “I’m not touching you” and then sneaks a paw to Sister’s face, which has been looking down at Norie with disdain. That’s when the tiff ends quickly as Sister tears into Norie like she is going to kill her but in seconds, stops and runs off! In all honesty Sister will stalk Norie in the mornings when she feels most frisky. Norie will stalk Sister anytime.
7. You know how some husbands take a nap every day they come home from work? Cats sleep about 12-16 hours a day! Enough said.
8. Well, as you have discovered some husbands are very social and some are hermits? Norie loves to greet everyone who comes into the building while we are out in the hallway of my condo building. She gets a great deal of admiration and praise for her friendly nature. Sister would prefer not to interact and runs back into our home as quickly as possible!
So now the question comes, how much more complicated would my life be if I were to marry someone?? He would have to be a cat lover and they would have to approve of him too.