October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This fifth post is about my awakening to being a victim of spousal abuse and violence. My purpose is to hopefully help and encourage someone else. The links to the previous blogposts are at the bottom of this page. There are triggers in this post that might upset some.
I am sharing some difficult situations here. I am not trying to make my husband look bad or take revenge on him. I am trying to show that my life was at times very difficult but I came through it.
An Interlude of Joy
After his graduation we moved to the back room of his parent’s house while waiting for him to be hired as a professor. All of our belongings were stored downstairs. A hospital hired me easily since there are always openings for a nurse.
We had wanted to have a baby after my husband graduated with his doctorate. Soon I was pregnant with our long awaited baby. We had fewer arguments for a while as we became a team trying to maintain our privacy. After a year of his sending out applications and resumes, he was hired as a pastor in a small church. I continued to work until our son was born and afterwards. Soon the old behaviors set in again.
How could I leave?
When I realized things were not as they should be, I didn’t know what to do. Taking our young son away from his father didn’t seem fair to them since I knew they loved each other. Hank was a loving father of our son, while a baby and toddler. But when our son started having problems at school my husband took on a more forceful role and said things that hurt our son. As our son became a teenager tensions built between them.
A beacon in the darkness
About 4 years later a friend of ours suggested that I read, “Women Who Run With Wolves” by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. (No relationship.) As I read the book I felt empowered and realized how I had given away my self and everything that made me strong, independent and “me.” I began to see that I was not stupid; that I had abilities and gifts that helped me deal with my husband and with life’s challenges. Finally I realized that I was stronger and smarter than I knew.
My Metamorphisis Begins
At work a doctor with a long history of rudeness and impatience incorrectly accused me in front of our patient of doing something potentially dangerous when I was protecting a dressing to an important line as we sat her up in bed. I did not respond until we got back to the desk and I informed him he was misjudging the situation and should not have made a scene in front of my patient!
Wow! Then I asked myself, “If I could stand up for myself to this doctor, hold a Critical Care Unit position for many years, why couldn’t I stand up to my husband! Why did I think I was stupid?”
I am sharing some difficult situations here. I am not trying to demonize my husband or take revenge on him. I am trying to show that my life was at times very difficult but I came through it stronger and wiser.
Part 2 next.
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2019/09/30/letter-to-my-childhood-self/
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2020/10/10/introduction-healing-wounds/
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2020/10/12/first-relationships-begin/
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2020/10/14/the-storm-clouds-gather/
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2020/10/16/finally-i-woke-up/
About 14 years after the birth of our son, my husband had a second church pastorate. One day my husband and I were arguing fiercely over something. I was sitting sideways at the counter. He walked up to me and put his hands around my neck. Somehow I bit his arm in defense; he was shocked! This was the third time he had done this and I had been gaining more awareness and inner strength.
I stood up and screamed at him that if he ever did that again I would leave him! He reminded me that he had found a confused friend in hiding, without a cellphone, in New Orleans once and reminded me he could find me too. ( I knew this story was true.)
I knew him well enough to not read any threats of danger into his words. But he was letting me know that escaping would be futile. After all in my mind he was so still much “smarter” than I was.
cI chose my battles
Finally I began to “draw the line in the sand.” I chose my responses to my husband’s accusation of not doing things his way more times and chose to “duck” on minor things.
I also learned not to let him stir up the simmering anger within me! When I get furious I learned that I didn’t think things through andsaid things he could use against me later. In those times I was ruled by my feelings, instead of my brain. But as my confidence and self assurance began to grow, I ducked less and less. I was giving my self esteem room to grow!!
I am sharing some difficult situations here. I am not trying to make my husband look bad or take revenge on him. I am trying to show that my life was at times very difficult but I came through it.
Part 2 next.
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2019/09/30/letter-to-my-childhood-self/
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2020/10/10/introduction-healing-wounds/
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2020/10/12/first-relationships-begin/
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2020/10/14/the-storm-clouds-gather/
https://joyful2beeblogs.com/2020/10/16/finally-i-woke-up/
joyful2beeblogs 
You inspire me! You are a warier woman and you absolutely run with wolves. I can relate to you in so many ways with past relationships and negative family ties which I’m slowly letting go of. Thank you for this blog!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I have wanted to help others in similar situations. I even joined groups on Facebook of women in abusive relationships but found it too stressful to relive and then worry about them. I recently joined a group there where I can help with healing. Now I know what I need to do. The group is Survivor’s of Domestic Abuse. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement!! You made my day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just want to say thanks for sharing this. I am going through a very similar experience as my husband suffers from diabetes and had a stroke a year ago this coming December. He was abusive emotionally and verbally to me in the past to the point that I did leave him for a brief time in 2017 but returned when I saw changes that were genuine in him. And up until his stroke things had been great and life was good. Now I am back to the severe bouts of depression and stress each day as I walk on egg shells not knowing when he will explode next. Every day finds myself unhappy and disengaged with life itself because of I don’t know how to escape this vicious cycle from a man I know at one time was not like this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Misty Dawn, you do not have to stay with him unless you feel led to. But if you decide to stay be sure to nurture yourself. Make time for you! You are more powerful and wise than you can imagine. Think of accomplishments you have made. You were strong to have left him and strong to have come back to him. You are stronger than he is emotionally and probably mentally. After I read Women Who Run With Wo!ves, my attitudes to change. attitudes
There are a few more posts that might help you. If you can read: http://www.joyful2beeblogs.com/2019/10/08/peace-with-the-past-is-near/. I learned to change my beliefs about myself. If he is physically abusing you, you do not have to stay. If you feel you should stay then stay but fill your life with as much self love, self compassion, self care as you can. Be kind to yourself, see your good qualities, such as the big heart you obviously have. If you are empathic and even if you are not, you might look up Narcissism. There are behaviors some abusers do and some of them you may see. If he is dangerous, don’t stay with him. some
If you are in Facebook, look for Survivors of Domestic Abuse, or any other group with similar name. Emotional Abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. The last10 years of my marriage I started growing, thinking, opening myself to loving myself. You need to start somewhere. Take, No make time for YOU! You are just as important as he is.
Find help from a counselor, find other women who have been through this. You will be stronger! Oh, and stop building yourself!! Stop accepting his criticisms of you! Stop letting him bully you. If he ever physically assaults you, leave. There is a national domestic hotline number: 800-799-7233.God bless you! You will be stronger after this is all over. Love yourself.
LikeLike
You are a warrior woman! Bravo! My daughter is also a warrior woman and she left her abusive and mentally ill husband after calling the police and taking her three month old baby out of the house. She never looked back and she was right. She is now happily married to a genuinely lovely young man who is a terrific Dad to her son and to his own two daughters. I hope that others can take heart from your story Joy. My daughter would be cheering you if she read this post.
LikeLike
Thank you, Anne! Those words are so true.I had to be a warrior then to protect myself. I have more to tell tomorrow about his abuse. But I am so glad your daughter got away before she lost herself. Thank you, I hope my story will help someone too. I know your heart must have been breaking to see you what she was going through. Thank you for commenting and sharing her story too.
LikeLike