Rescue the Rescuer!

Posted on by Joyful2bee
A jumper about to jump

After being a compulsive rescuer all of my life, and now having no one to rescue constantly or even monthly, what do I do?? I retired in 2010 after 37 years of nursing.

Rescuing is in my blood!

Nurses are coming out of the woodwork of my mother’s family tree (grandmother, mother, sister, cousin, and niece ); I am a natural born nurse-rescuer! Being the oldest girl of four kids (the youngest being 12 years younger than me) I was like a little mother, watching out for my younger sister, brother and youngest sister. If you look up rescuer in the dictionary, it will say: “See Elaine.”

On call nurse, available and free

An example: Even on my off days from work (as well as after I retired from nursing) I wanted to be helpful. When a friend posted on Facebook that they had a cold or some medical problem, I readily gave advice. But soon realized I was giving advice when it wasn’t even asked for.

These people were adults, who had been through these common ailments and knew what to do. But I wanted to be helpful. I hope some at least appreciated that I was concerned.

Here lies part of the problem

I was helping when no one had asked for it,  and without considering whether they needed or wanted advice or support. (Thankfully, this behavior has been abolished or greatly decreased since then.) I was helping partly, at least, because I still wanted to help. 

Rescuer in the making

I spent most of my adult life (37 years) being a bedside nurse, 8 years of that was spent helping my husband get through school to get his doctorate. Two years after graduation our son was born.

While working full time on 12 hour night shifts, helping our son grow and experience life, I also emotionally supported my husband through some trying times. I spent little time taking care of or recognizing my own needs!

My new life

My husband died in 2009, after a lot of complications from diabetes, mini-strokes, one big stroke, and finally heart-failure. Our son had moved out of the house and attained independence. In 2009 my husband passed away after declining health. My first son married a wonderful lady in 2016. It was time to let them go on their life together but be available when and if they needed me. 

My adopted adult son and his wife have been married for over 15 years, have two sons, a five and three year old and a one year old daughter.

The stress finally caught up to me

A little over a year after my husband passed away, I developed sciatica and I couldn’t work in the hospital setting without potentially worsening my condition. I failed to see that I had been under stress and had my own needs.

After multiple rejections from jobs I applied for, and for whatever reasons {my age(?), history of back problems or other restrictions} I was never hired. So I retired at 60.

So what is my problem?

I needed to be needed, I thought. But I kept feeling like I should be doing more! Is this empty nest syndrome? “Rescuer-ism”? Maybe, but not so much. Part of the problem was I was not facing my own issues from an abusive marriage and poor self esteem.

My motivation

Not a habit

Proving myself?

In my head my self worth was based on what I could do to make the world a better place. Now I am doing what I can by helping those around me even in small ways.

I advocate kindness to people, as well as animals and nature. I try to make my life matter by doing these things. But giving my life importance is not my main reason for these behaviors; Love is. (Still a rescuer? No, just a lover of family, people and life!)

Well, there could be several drivers behind my behavior. Of course the obvious could be habit. I am used to having someone need me to do something for them or help care for someone. I get that. I have dealt with that and know that is not a problem now.

I wonder if I am trying to prove to others that I am a worthy friend or human being? I think my family, friends, and neighbors already have this figured out by now!! So I do not need to prove my worth by helping others.

So why do I feel like I should be doing more?

(A symptom of a rescuer or just love for people??)  Well, I think all of this pondering is part of getting older and realizing that given the physical restrictions I have from my back and other factors, I do not have to rescue the world any more! I do not have to prove my worth.

I worked hard all of my adult life. It is time for me to start taking care of me. NO, I am not being selfish or self centered! I am learning to love me! I am dealing with my own neglected problems.

I have a good life

I have so many wonderful experiences, so much joy and love to give, why shouldn’t I share them when appropriate? There is nothing wrong with that! There have been many changes in my life over the last 15 years.

Part of aging is gaining and recognizing wisdom. To gain serenity to change the things that need changing and accept the things I can’t change and learn “wisdom to know the difference.” (Remember the Prayer of Serenity??)

Mystery solved

I am me! I am a helper, comforter, lover, “cheer giver,” story teller, hugger, and healer of hearts. I will help when I feel led to do so, (instead of just compulsively jumping in). (A rescuer? Well maybe a little but a rehabilitated one.)  I am the “me” I was made to be.

I know I can not rescue the world. But I can make a positive difference where I am. Hmm. Maybe I am really a people lover with delusions of youth.

The serenity and peace will come when it is meant to come and at just the right time when it will mean the most and make the most difference and be most appreciated. Thank you for sharing my meanderings.

46 thoughts on “Rescue the Rescuer!”

  1. Ahhhh, but Elaine…You ARE still a rescuer…How many times have you thrown a lifeline to me over the phone when the chips continued to go down, down, down? Or how many times have you posted an encouraging word on my blogs? While you may be a retired PHYSICAL rescuer, you are a spiritual one, still, and more than likely always will be! With a heart as huge as yours? How could you not be? ❤

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  2. It is a tough transition. I’m currently faced with the same dilemma. After my children left for college I asked myself: “What happened to my life?” At one point I use to look forward the time when they would go off to college, at last my freedom well deserved, for I was a divorcee. Time to finally enjoy my life at last, but it was all the contrary. I missed the Sunday dinners, the fights… “the “Mommy… Genese is BOTHERING ME!!!!” I look back now and realized those were the best days of my life. When we spend a lifetime being Mom, we don’t really know how to transition our focus elsewhere. I’m still learning.

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    1. You are quite a resourceful person and will come out on the other side of this with the same resiliency you rebound from everything else in your life! lol Hugs!! Keep on writing! You have inspired me to write a blog now!! Thank you.

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  3. I read through this thinking, What’s wrong with being helpful? If it’s not harming you and is helping other people, how is this a problem? I was relieved when at the end you acknowledged its value. There’s such satisfaction in it, and as much joy to be gained as given. The world needs a whole lot of rescuing. Just take care of yourself as well–and it sounds like you do.

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    1. Thank you, Ellen. I worried before I posted this that I might come across as saying don’t help anyone. I am glad you gave me the opportunity to clarify this. I genuinely love people. Helping my husband was something I did without even thinking twice. I loved him and he needed my help.
      In reality helping others helped me. Caring for others gave me a sense of worth when I didn’t have much of one. My husband was emotionally abusive and I always compared myself to him and how intelligent he was. But I realized later that I was just as intelligent and had just as much to offer the world as he did.
      I did find a problem with being a rescuer. If you constantly solve other people’s problems they become dependent on you. They do not develop as quickly a grasp of how to resolve their own issues. I realized later instead of saying, “You need to… or you should…” to say, “What can you do to fix it/”
      I realize this doesn’t apply to all situations because some people genuinely don’t have a clue as to where to start solving their problems.
      Now I am seeing I need to write another blog to expound on this subject! I truly appreciate your thoughts, insights and comments, Ellen. Yes, I am taking much better care of myself now. (You might read my blog “An Introduction to Healing Wounds of the Past” to explain some of my thoughts here better.

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    2. Thank you, Ellen. I worried before I posted this that I might come across as saying don’t help anyone. I am glad you gave me the opportunity to clarify this. I genuinely love people. Helping my husband was something I did without even thinking twice. I loved him and he needed my help.
      In reality helping others helped me. Caring for others gave me a sense of worth when I didn’t have much of one. My husband was emotionally abusive and I always compared myself to him and how intelligent he was. But I realized later that I was just as intelligent and had just as much to offer the world as he did.
      I did find a problem with being a rescuer. If you constantly solve other people’s problems they become dependent on you. They do not develop as quickly a grasp of how to resolve their own issues. I realized later instead of saying, “You need to… or you should…” to say, “What can you do to fix it/”
      I realize this doesn’t apply to all situations because some people genuinely don’t have a clue as to where to start solving their problems.
      Now I am seeing I need to write another blog to expound on this subject! I truly appreciate your thoughts, insights and comments, Ellen. Yes, I am taking much better care of myself now. (You might read my blog “An Introduction to Healing Wounds of the Past” to explain some of my thoughts here better.

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  5. There is such honesty in your writing! I like to read and ponder all like watching a film. I understand where you come from, and the feelings that come with it.
    Thank you for sharing your wisdom! 🙂

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  6. I was born a rescuer too. Oldest of four girls, mother and aunts all nurses. I wanted to be a doctor but God had other plans! My mother died when I was 14, I took on the mother role until my dear dad died 21 years ago. Then I started to look for the real me… I am now 61, recently retired and just writing, blogging and gardening. I joined a Woman’s shed last week, going to Tai Chi again soon so life is changing slowly. I think we are entering the best years of our lives…

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  7. Joy, as long as you are not harming yourself by giving and have given yourself permission to be happy, go for all the giving you can. Blessed are the caregivers for they shall change the world. (A Bernadette beatitude.)

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    1. Thank you. I have always given freely. The one problem I saw was that some people will become dependent on me instead of solving their own problems. So I learned to help best in those situations by asking them what they thought they should/could do. Of course I will always help the truly helpless. Thanks for your support and encouragement, Bernadette. The other problemI found was that I was not confronting my own problems. It’s easier to help someone else with their problems than it is to face and solve our own. For a while I was running away from my problems.

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  8. I think most women are natural caregivers. We enjoy being helpful, and may at times overdo. It’s our way of giving love. You took your giving nature and found an occupation that helped others in need. You cared for your loved ones. You try and care for other people as well. Like you mentioned, this habit is hard to break.

    Balance is key here, because sometimes people don’t understand why you’re being so helpful, and if they don’t have anything to give in return, resent you for putting them in a position where they might have to give you something. Others don’t really want to be helped, they are stuck and want to stay that way. And then there are those who just want an ear, a sounding board. They already know what they need to do, and just want to be validated.

    I have found a way to put my sometimes overly helpful nature to a higher and better use. I volunteer helping people that actually need and appreciate my assistance. The me that I am has the best time conducting reminiscence groups. My dementia peeps don’t just take either. They also give me a nice fluffy cloud to walk on. Many of them don’t even remember my name, but they know my spirit.

    Blogging is also a wonderful way to put your helpful nature to good use. You write. Publish. Readers read. Comment. No body is being put upon. Win-win!!!

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    1. All was excellent advice. But one particular point I never thought about was about the position my helpfulness may place others!! Wow. Thank you for that insight especially! Keep up the good work!!

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  9. Pingback: Who Loves You, Baby? – joyful2beeblogs

  10. I felt the same aftet retirement…and, I actually looked forward to rescuing ME…I was JUST finding a “support group”…going reluctantly, yet, it was as if ALL the weights (the World’s), thsy dissolved, just hearing my story…from others!
    Also…a decade later…finding no shortage of people, needing people.
    That’s a ‘Rescue’.
    So, I found no shortages in the “first responder” rescue…in my book…
    SOS!!!!
    Somebody. Anybody…?
    I think we all need, and maybe even want, rescuing, now and again.
    Let’s not be afeaid of putting out our SOS. Maybe, even our… “White flags”, of surrender?…our stubborn wills, etc…? I know how great it feels, to be drowning in your fear and doubt, maybe…THEN, a light.
    It starts showing itself… brighter?…as IT, approaches, YOU!

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    1. Thank you for reminding me that it’s okay to need rescuing too. I had two surgeries two years ago and there were activities of daily living I could not do. My friends, sons and their wives, and condo building neighbors were so loving and kind. I never once felt like a burden. That was a big lesson for me, the Rescuer! It felt so good to be helped and cared about.

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  11. I hear you, I hear you, for I know exactly what it is like to have someone ask for serious medical advice, as soon as they know you know some. As for filling the “needyou” gap there’s always volunteering somewhere. Ever imagined this HUGE idea: Médecins Sans Frontières.

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  14. Yes, it is good to know there are plenty of others who go through the same experiences. You are,so right about volunteering but we also must nurture our selves or we will be burned out soon. I have dound meditation very healing and nurturing for me. But grounding yourself is important too. Thank you for commenting. Are you empathic too?

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  15. It’s so refreshing to read this blog post, so self-aware and honest. This, trust me, is rare. I wish you joy in honest and am confident that you will track it down or it will find you. You had joy in helping,and that may continue to change but it certainly won’t stop.

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    1. Wow! Rachel McAlpine, thank you for your kind words. My whole purpose for writing is to help others when possible. I have had a long interesting life so far and have learned a lot. If I can help someone else along their path, then I am happy and my work was not in vain. Thank you, again!

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