joyful2beeblogs

I have healed greatly from a long marriage to an emotionally abusive husband, who passed away after mini-strokes and finally heart failure in 2009. He changed over the years because of poorly controlled diabetes and mini-strokes, which showed up on his brain MRI.

For me, it has been an eye-opening experience to finally understand bit by bit the effects of such a marriage on my very core. But I am also amazed at my brain’s ability to adapt and protect itself. This is about my struggle to regain my life.

The changes in his behavior were so gradual, and I was so “in love” that I didn’t see what was happening. His intelligence, tenderheartedness, kindness, and love at the beginning of our seven years of dating and the first few years of our marriage made him quite endearing to me. For more details, please see upcoming posts on this subject.

The man I married was gradually and partially consumed by the person he became. There were days that he was his old self. I refuse to believe that he was evil. I do believe that he was mentally ill from the effects of undiagnosed, long-term, and poorly controlled diabetes which resulted in documented mini-strokes and one very serious stroke. Later, his heart suffered from right sided heart failure with pitting edema of his legs and feet, shortness of breath, and fatigue. That was what killed him on August 05, 2009.

Being a nurse, I recognized the symptoms and feared for his life. I tried to get him to call the doctor about the changes. But my husband just made it all sound inevitable. Well, he was right. It was inevitable without following his diabetic, dietetic restrictions.

Over our thirty-six year marriage, I changed too. I changed so gradually that I didn’t see what others, who loved me, saw. I was very adept at using denial, having an “iron determination” to be happy, and the drive to make my home as peaceful as I could. Unbeknownst to me, the use of memory lapses filled the gaps in the protective wall around my mind’s marital memories.

After I “awoke,” my co-workers told me that they noticed that I never spoke about my own interests or abilities but always spoke about my husband’s intelligence, his illnesses, how tired he was, how stressed he was. Rarely about how I felt about something, or how sick, tired, stressed, or intelligent I was.

Growing up, my parents had only rare, non-severe arguments, so I never really learned how to think and defend myself against another person in an argument. (Why would I have ever thought that would be necessary with the man I loved?)

Over the years of our marriage, I became forgetful and anxious because I was walking on eggshells every day, not knowing what mood he was in or what might set him off. I had no idea that stress on a day to day basis could cause one’s brain to shut down when confronted. Finally, I chose my fights after I woke up and realized what was happening after having friends and family ask me, “Why do you let him talk to you like that?”

Because of his experience with dealing with other people, his education, his ability to out-logic me, and his steel trap memory, my memory just shut off when we were arguing. By doing this, I made it more difficult for him to argue with me. I couldn’t tell him what either of us had just said. This was quite irritating to someone who could quote line and verse from Shakespeare! But at least he could just get to the name calling, instead of trying to convince me how wrong I was, and be done with it all sooner. I found out more recently that stress alone can do this to me, too.

I found myself shutting down when discussing any topic with a strong or dominant personality, particularly this man. No matter how I tried to pay attention and listen to what the person was saying, when I left them, I couldn’t remember much of the conversation.

Wonderfully, I discovered from Facebook a reference to an article in Psychology Today, titled: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-superheroes/201107/why-you-may-want-to-stand-like-a-superhero.” I only recently learned this trick, which actually changes your chemistry by increasing testosterone and other factors in your body. Plus it conveys strength and power to the person you are confronting or conversing with. When one is faced with an intimidating person, put your hands on your hips, with elbows bent, stand with feet spread and firmly on the ground, and look the person straight in the eye. See article in (Psychology Today.)

Thanks to my experiences with my husband, I unknowingly developed some skills that helped me stay calm and be on the defensive when necessary: a heightened awareness within my self defense guard-rail; changes in body language, voice intonations increasing volume of voice, strain or changes in facial expressions and especially increased awareness of moods of others on the side lines were helpful  defense mechanisms. By observing his, unbeknownst to him, signals, I could prepare for flight or fight. Later, I learned how to stand and be ready to fight verbally and, on a few occasions, even defend myself.

The ability to “read” his body language did become useful for everyday interactions with others as well; oddly this adaptive feat honed a skill that was latent for a long time: being a bit of an empath. I could pick up mentally some things about some people when I wasn’t even trying.

He was not afraid to make a small scene in public, yet he reminded me often that our problems were private. In public, I just wanted to leave when he started in on me, so I would get up and go to the bathroom to escape him till he calmed down.

Because my parents had such a wonderful marriage (which I very much wanted too), I somehow was able to deny that there was anything serious going on in our marriage for a long time. Interestingly, the people I worked with knew something wasn’t right.

I wanted to maintain peace in my home, especially after our son was born. Unfortunately, he was affected profoundly by the emotional abuse he saw and later felt, mostly when I wasn’t there. How else is a little kid supposed to feel when the two people he loves and depends on are yelling or fussing at each other?

Another influence that helped me gain an understanding of my own strengths in leaps and bounds was the book, “Women Who Run With Wolves,” by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. This book helped me know that I had strengths that I had forgotten or never knew I had. A lady who was a friend to both of us introduced me to the book. I still have the original copy that our friend gave me. 

So when arguing or being challenged by someone about your thoughts or feelings on a certain topic, try to eek out a few minutes to be aware of what they have against you and what you know that they may not know. In my case, some of this seemed impossible for me to glean. But somehow, I began to have helpful ideas and insights about what to do in certain situations. I want to add here that my best friend had also had an abusive husband, and she supported me emotionally and listened when I needed an ear to listen to me.

Since my husband, after he graduated from seminary, with a doctorate in Old Testament Theology, wanted a career in the church or teaching field in theology, I believe he was concerned more about how others saw us. We tried to act as normally as possible in the church, whether there was nothing specific going on between us or not.  

Another attitude I gained was self-respect. I had been an ICU/CCU nurse from New Orleans to Jackson, MI. Rutherfordton, NC, and finally Cary, NC. I worked on medical floors, mostly before and after the critical care experiences. The point finally hit me that I was not stupid or dumb. I could not have worked 17 years in ICU/CCU’s if I wasn’t intelligent. I also realized that I had tested and passed the Critical Care Registered Nurse exam twice. I was and am intelligent and smart at figuring things out. Finally, I realized how wrong he and I had been about my abilities. With time, I continued to gain more self confidence, as I became the head of my home.