First Relationships Begin

Posted on by Joyful2bee

I am writing these posts in the hopes that it will help others be more aware of their relationship and behavior patterns and also to help someone possibly catch problems before they lose themselves or their lives.

https://www.joyful2beeblogs.com/2025/08/20/ letter-to-my-childhood-self/

https://www.joyful2beeblogs.com/2025/08/21/introduction-healing-wounds/

My Early Years

My childhood was in a loving home with happily married parents. My family life was filled with love, learning, and sharing. I was a happy, positive kid.

Me at 17.
Me at 17 years old..

In high school, I was intelligent and confident but sometimes struggled with feeling geeky and chubby. As I got older, I had dreams of having a marriage and family like that of my parents. Church was a big part of our family life. With it came many teachings about how a wife should be submissive and obedient to her husband.

Seven years of dating

On my first day of ninth grade, I saw a tall, red-haired guy walking toward me. Soon, we became friends in a small group, and several months later, he asked me out on my and his first date: a church Valentine’s Day banquet.

I noticed that he was kind, protective, extremely intelligent, and loved to explain things to me, and he really thought I was wonderful. He was also active in his church, as well, and later decided to be a teacher of theology or a minister.

He was my first date, only sweetheart, and later, my husband. I dated him for seven years from 9th grade through high school and four years while he earned a bachelor’s degree in Raleigh, NC, and I earned my nursing diploma in Greenville, SC. 

We dated during holidays and his summers off from college while he worked. He was the first and only man I dated more than once before I married him. I know he loved me. He wrote poetry to me; bought me little gifts, and even drew a sketch of my senior picture. He gave his time and affection to me in so many ways. I couldn’t help but fall in love with him. 

Nurse's cap and cape from GGH.
Me as a graduate nurse, 1972.

I earned my three year RN diploma in 1972. We decided to wait to marry until after he had graduated with his Bachelor of Arts the following year. That year, I worked at the hospital where I trained; I lived in a rented duplex, paid my bills; and enjoyed my independence.

Our marriage began

We married the July after his May graduation and moved to New Orleans, where he wanted to earn his Master’s Degree of Divinity. I remember being excited about our future and anxious because I didn’t know anyone except for him there; I was leaving my family so far behind and starting a new life.

My wedding picture
My husband and I on our wedding day.

As a student, his time was full of classes, studying, research, and writing as he progressed from the master’s degree studies to the doctoral program with the challenges of writing a dissertation.

I was our main source of income. But he worked part-time jobs while he studied. We agreed at the beginning that he would pay the bills in order to take some of the strain off of me since I was working so much. I felt this was a kind of a balance of power that equalized our loads of financial responsibilities.

Life changed

His classes were during the mornings and afternoons. We had a circle of friends we enjoyed eating out with and sharing activities with (after all, we did live in New Orleans). We had a lot of fun in spite of our busy schedules. We were also active in two different churches at different times. He gave me emotional support when I came home upset about a patient or a situation. He always seemed to know what was bothering me.

But as his drive increased to make good grades to earn the Masters and then the Doctorate degrees, his energy levels decreased, and he often became irritable. With the stressors of classes, study, research, and writing, stress began to mount. My work schedule changed to day/evening and later 8 hour night shifts and then 12 hour night shifts.

We Both Began to Change

Over the years, he became more irritable and critical of me. As the criticisms increased, my self-confidence decreased. I became more clingy and insecure. Even at work, my hesitancy, lack of focus, and confidence showed and was not unnoticed.

After a poor evaluation at work, I was diagnosed with reactive and fasting hypoglycemia (my insulin levels exceeded the necessary levels needed to control too many simple carbohydrates were eaten or when my blood sugar rose from the response of ” fight or flight” to adrenalin, when stress occurred. The overload of insulin made the blood sugar drop over time to levels that affected me like a diabetic with hypoglycemia. I figured this was my problem with forgetfulness and anxiety. (But there was more to my problems than low blood sugar.)

We only had one car, so sometimes he had to drop me off before a shift and pick me up from the hospital after one. Since cell phones were not as available in the early 1970s, communication was a problem.

Several times when I worked day shift in the CCU (Coronary Care Unit) there would be an emergency with a patient, or charting to finish, or something else that prevented me from leaving to go tell him I would be late! He sometimes waited 30 minutes in the heat in the car. I remember him getting very angry about this, which was beyond my control and with no way to reach him.

The first real explosion of anger

While preparing for one of the moves to another apartment, the first major sign of changes came. There was a misunderstanding with no chance of clarification, with no cell phones, as to where we were going to meet one day after we had two cars.

Of course I went to the wrong place according to him. Somehow, we connected after an hour of waiting. He was furious! What could I do? I still remember, as we drove back to our first apartment, he screamed at me, “BITCH!” I sobbed hysterically! He had never called me a name like that! (In the 1970’s “bitch” was an insult, and I believe still is!) Of course, he said he was upset because he was worried that something had happened to me. (Funny way of showing it!)

When something went wrong or was confused, it was my fault. (Not sure how much was truly my fault, but I bore the brunt of these times because I was the one who took the blame.)

In case you missed the first two posts:

Letter To My Childhood Self

An Introduction to Healing Wounds of the Past

First Relationships Begin

https://www.joyful2beeblogs.com/2025/08/23/the-storm-clouds-gather/

https://www.joyful2beeblogs.com/2025/08/24/I-saw-the-light-part-1/

https://www.joyful2beeblogs.com/2025/08/25/I-saw-the-light-part-2/

33 thoughts on “First Relationships Begin”

  2. Oh! So glad you are writing this, it is what you need to be fully at peace.
    Looking forward to the next part.
    Hope you are having a great week and it’s not too hot for you, that’s what I have been reading in blogs about your part of the world, mid winter here and very cold. Happy days writing.

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    1. Sometimes I miss winter when it is hot and muggy like it is here. I may have to get enough money and a new body which can sit in an airplane for a day(?) and come see your country in winter!! I saw a special segment on how Americans are moving there! Thank you for the support!! I plan to post it tomorrow or the next day.

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  5. Unfortunately this isn’t unique. I’ve seen this several times with friends and co-workers. I am curious if you figured out what triggered the change since it came years after a good relationship. Looking forward to reading more.

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    1. Thank you, Beth. There were times when I didn’t know what to do. But I did get through it and learned that I am stronger than I knew and wiser too! I felt bad for him at times because of his diabetes, and mini strokes. All of it helped me grow up and trust myself better.

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  10. I want to follow through, as I think I will learn much from this series, Joyful. Calling someone b*tch is still insulting until this day, especially if it comes from a furious person. Hugs to you. You’re so strong.

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    1. Thank you, Hazel. I shared these parts of my life because I want to help others who are facing these painful relationships. There is no easy way to get through it all. Something in my life made me stop and realize that I did not deserve his abuse. Our son did not deserve to hear or witness it. We both came through it all stronger and closer. I hope you (and if you have children) are getting help. There are Domestic Violence organizations all over our country. One phone call may be the start of a new life. It’s not easy living with abuse, but if the abused person can get started with counseling and moral support, their life can turn around and become truly theirs. Good luck and hope you can heal well and thoroughly.

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      1. I’m in a safe place, thank God never experienced domestic abuse. But, I like to learn from other people’s experiences. I have no children. Still single.
        My pleasure, joyful. Take care.

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        1. I’m happy to see that you are safe. Just be yourself and learn all you can. I am still single, too, since his death in 2009. I love my life and my family so much. I adopted an adult son after m years husband passed. Both sons are married to wonderful wives. I am thankful every day.

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  12. What a beautiful happy bride you looked — love the photo of you at age 17 🤗 My parents were church goers and had a happy but sometimes dysfunctional marriage. Unfortunately my mom suffered with post partum depression after her first three pregnancies, (including after me —2nd oldest) and this ended up being very tough on my dad who was away at times attending summer school to get his Masters’ while helping to finance and raise a larger family. We grew up quite happily as kids but looking back I can see now that dating and relationships were not properly discussed at home, including how to judge the character of someone and the importance of really getting to know people, their values, family history, etc. This left me and my siblings with a kind of “hit or miss” mentality about dating which was disastrous for me and led to some rough experiences in my dating years in the 1980s. It’s so important for parents to not just hand teens a book or chat briefly about dating but to really build trust and talk things through to help their teens become young adults who know how to make really wise choices and to try to think longer-term when dating and choosing a life partner.

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    1. My parents were guardedly accepting of my future husband. He was my first and only true love, so there were no real problems at first. The problems came after we were married for 4 or 5 years. This is explained in the next posts. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

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      1. When we are young, we don’t always have the maturity or ability to see beyond the surface of things or to understand what marriage vows and lifetime commitments are all about. Come to think of it my parents did warn me and my siblings about some of our not so great dating partners that they met, but in many cases I don’t think we paid attention or respected their concerns. One of my sisters ran into issues soon into marriage and after a first child but unfortunately let things be overlooked until years later when a divorce finally was the only option.

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        1. I am getting the feeling that this situation happens more often than I could have guessed. My parents were both wonderful and loving to each other and us kids. We all turned out well, but two of us four kids, married, and things didn’t work out well. I took a long time feeling bad about our marriage and myself. But time heals all wounds…if we let it.

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  14. I feel like u still have a clear vivid memory; and the details are so clear- considering the years of this story.
    I loved it… i wanna read more😍😍😍

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